ou say I'm a bitch like its a bad thing
That has always been one of my favorite things to say. Not that I am called a bitch all that often, Im more self-proclaimed. I didn't used to be this way. I think I just have way too much to do. Sometimes I think if Jason weren't so damn hard, it would be easier and I wouldn't mind taking care of things, I used to feel that way. But damn this man is a rock, I asked him the other day "Do you even bleed?" I just don't understand how anyone can be so compassionless and unfeeling. The boys have pretty much come to the conclusion that dad is "grumpy most days". *sigh* This of-course upset me, I tell him, no response....UHHHH HELLOOOO!
I know that he had a really shitty childhood, an ex-stepmom abused him, his mom pretty much neglecting him, grandmother verbally abusive to him and everybody telling him he is going to fail. But damn, move past it already, you are 28, have beautiful children, I adore him, despite his faults...(why??) the boys adore him, my family dotes on him and I. We are all constantly praising him, yet it seems the damage is done and he refuses to let it go. Now I led a very good childhood for the most part, never knew we were poor when we were, never realized my parents fighting, until I became a teenager. Yes when I was 15 I was told my mother was terminally ill, my dad fought alcoholism, and I fought depression and a severe eating disorder, but to me these were things that built my strengths and my character. I used to love who I was. Now I don't.
Im irritable, moody, sad, stressed and unmotivated, for what seems most of the days. Even when I was a single mother battling things, I was still happy and strong. Its weird how life takes a hold of you and you change. I miss that girl. I had beaten my ED and stayed healthy despite my weight gain, I was able to go off my depression/anxiety meds for quite some time, I was a single mother in love with my child and so happy and enjoying life.
Things w/J have not always been this difficult. Our first 2 1/2yrs almost 3yrs back together were wonderful, we fought, but we loved too, and had so much fun. This past year has been extremely difficult. He left last fall, (2003) and I left this past summer. Money I know bears a lot of the weight in our struggles, it just has a way of putting this tension in the air that effects everything, like a ripple effect. Parenting styles is another sore spot, we just can not get in synch which SUCKS!
But like Melissa said, you still love one another. There is a great quote by a French Renaissance, "If you press me to say why I love him, I can say no more than because he is he, and I am I."
That quote sums it up for me. Its not all bad, and I told myself that when the thought of being without him makes me more peaceful than thought of being with him, that something is wrong and must change. Thankfully we have not hit that point. Like I've said before, our thing is "You love me, you bug me". I'm praying this year gets better and things take a really good turn for us.
Ok...enough of my rant. We bickered tonight, and its just been left unresolved, so now I am feeling it with heavy thoughts and a sad heart. Maybe I need to find a poll..lmbo that always cheers me up! *wink*
Until next time. Ciao!
I know that he had a really shitty childhood, an ex-stepmom abused him, his mom pretty much neglecting him, grandmother verbally abusive to him and everybody telling him he is going to fail. But damn, move past it already, you are 28, have beautiful children, I adore him, despite his faults...(why??) the boys adore him, my family dotes on him and I. We are all constantly praising him, yet it seems the damage is done and he refuses to let it go. Now I led a very good childhood for the most part, never knew we were poor when we were, never realized my parents fighting, until I became a teenager. Yes when I was 15 I was told my mother was terminally ill, my dad fought alcoholism, and I fought depression and a severe eating disorder, but to me these were things that built my strengths and my character. I used to love who I was. Now I don't.
Im irritable, moody, sad, stressed and unmotivated, for what seems most of the days. Even when I was a single mother battling things, I was still happy and strong. Its weird how life takes a hold of you and you change. I miss that girl. I had beaten my ED and stayed healthy despite my weight gain, I was able to go off my depression/anxiety meds for quite some time, I was a single mother in love with my child and so happy and enjoying life.
Things w/J have not always been this difficult. Our first 2 1/2yrs almost 3yrs back together were wonderful, we fought, but we loved too, and had so much fun. This past year has been extremely difficult. He left last fall, (2003) and I left this past summer. Money I know bears a lot of the weight in our struggles, it just has a way of putting this tension in the air that effects everything, like a ripple effect. Parenting styles is another sore spot, we just can not get in synch which SUCKS!
But like Melissa said, you still love one another. There is a great quote by a French Renaissance, "If you press me to say why I love him, I can say no more than because he is he, and I am I."
That quote sums it up for me. Its not all bad, and I told myself that when the thought of being without him makes me more peaceful than thought of being with him, that something is wrong and must change. Thankfully we have not hit that point. Like I've said before, our thing is "You love me, you bug me". I'm praying this year gets better and things take a really good turn for us.
Ok...enough of my rant. We bickered tonight, and its just been left unresolved, so now I am feeling it with heavy thoughts and a sad heart. Maybe I need to find a poll..lmbo that always cheers me up! *wink*
Until next time. Ciao!
posted by Sancho at 3:33 AM
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